His World, My Hell

Well here i am 86 days from the day that I have been hoping for, praying for, dreading, and living for all at the same time.  I love Leo with every breath in me, yet a part of me fears his release.  Over the last few months we hve gotten so much closer and he is the perfect husband.  He speaks to me with respect, he does not use words that offend me, and he makes me feel secure in us.  All of that is wonderful, but the truth is will he remain who he is when he is released from the gates of his own hell?

I have grown so much over these three years.  I have become who I needed to be, and I pray that God covers me and allows me to continue to grow.  Leo had taken my spirit, my life and my desires away from me, and my fear is that he could again if he chose too.

I have never loved anyone as I love him, and I can not begin to explain why he has me so wrapped up, but he does. 

Life without him is not an option, never really was.  I know that if i had to do this without him I could, but id rather not.

There have been a few people to who have supported me through all this, not many but a few.  To those I say thank you for not throwing his bad side in my face, and for just being there for me... For those of you who believe he will fall when he is home,, I just pray you love me enough to not throw that i told you so in my face should it happen.  Thats the last thing a woman wants to hear, and that is the easist way to have me walk out of YOUR life forever.   Do not wish failure upon our marriage, our life...  Do not hate who we were at one time, do not dispise us for the actions of our pasts...  We are deserving of your suport and love... If we fail dont snicker and laugh,, cuz God doesnt like ugly.....

Well here i am Mothers day 2009.  I have been reflecting on my life with Leo alot and we have decided that we are going to give us one more try.

When i divorced him in December it was because i had taken all i could take.  I knew that i was an enabler for his disorder and that was drowning myself.  I had to get out and find me again.  I did.

Now i have renewed my strength and am willing to give us another opportunity so that we can do what can to forfil the destiny that we both feel God has given us.

I was ordained in March of last year and have become a minister.  I do not preach at churches as I am not lead to do that at this time. However i have become very interestred in prison ministry. (I wonder why) 

We have created a ministry and are about to launch that dream and make it a reality.  Look for further information just as soon as we get the name copywrittren and logo sealed.

It will a ministry geared to prisoners or ex cons who are struggleing with whatever they struggle with.  Its time for a milinium breed of ministers.  Meaning real..... been there done that kind of people.  We are going to continue to be transparent and honest with our own lives so that others can see that anything is overcomable with God......

talk to you all soon.

Well its December 17th 2008.  On December 2nd of this very year I did something that I swore I would never do. I divorced Leo. 

Now I need to say that i didnt do it because he is in prison, and I didnt do it for another man, and i didnt do it because I didnt love him anymore.  I did it because his bi polar and his desire or lack of desire to beat this deasese was taking its toll on me.  Anti depresants, hospital stays, therapy weekly, I was going insane.

Bi polar disorder nearly took my life, and it wasnt even my disorder. I tried so hard to be who he  needed me to be so that he could free himself of this demon, (and yes, I still claim it to be a demon), that I nearly lost me.  Again.

I love that man with every breath in me, but it wasnt enough.  Never was actually.  I had to stop the abuse that was still going on from behind those cold, steel bars.....  It hurts so bad, and it didnt take him long to move on, but that is common for bi polar personalities.  They move on quick, they forget, they have no remorse and in thier minds it is all the fault of the other individual.  Well, not today it isnt.

I urge you, if you are dealing with bi polar, either yourself or your loved one, please take it serious and get the help that you need.  No one is safe.

Leo, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I still think of you as the air I breath an you are truley my heart and soul, but the reality is that until you want help, and until you yourself fight for your freedom of this disorder we can not ever be.  You may think that this is a game, a joke, but the reality is that you destroyed me and who I was.  the person you feel in love with is gone,, and now i must find her again.    Love yourself enough to get better, so that the next woman who loves you, isnt destroyed because of it......

Your wife in spirit always.

sonja

Sometimes we dont recognize the miricles that God sends our way.  We overlook the blossoming flowers and take them for granted.  We overlook the stars in the sky and the brightness that they give off.  We feel the wind in our face on a warm day and we forget that is Gods touch.  So many time we are so cosumed with the emotional rollarcoaster that we ride that we forget that God is taking that very ride with us.

This weekend was a weekend where God sat right there between Leo and Me.   The marriage seminar was nothing like I expected it to be.  I went to the last one and it was great, we got to cuddle, we got to kiss, we slow danced, we sang to one another, but this one was intense, stright to the point and no holds barrred.

I sit back now and I look at it all and I come to realize that God set this up from the start.  From the first seminar to this one.  Let me explain.

Out of over 1300 inmates 5 couple were choosen in the first seminar.  Over 1300 couples 7 were choosen for the second one.  The original first 5 and two more.  I believe those of us that went were hand picked by God, not that other couples couldnt benifit by being there, or that he loved the other 1295 less, but those of us that were origianlly picked all had differnt but similar issues.   I beleive that every one of us couples that were blessed with this seminar are fighting the same battle. Satin does not want us together because he knows that once we get past this trial we will be unstopable in doing Gods work.  It seems crazy to many of you who are reading this to even phanthom Leo and I doing Gods work, but I remind you of the people that God used throughout the Holy Bible.   Mary Magdaline, (a prostitue), Moses, ( a murderer), King David, ( he had too many sins to count), I could go on and on, but you get my drift.  Josesph spend many years incarcerated, (though he was innocent) See, sometimes God allows the injustices of this world to do what they will but in the end he gets the glory and the praise for bringing us through.

Yes, my husband has commited many terrible offenses, towards me, towards God, and towards the world, but he is still going to be one of Gods greateset Warriors!  Once God shakes loose the devils hold.  God placed me in his life as his helpmate because he knew that I could withstand the test of time and trials.  He knew my strength because he gave it to me.  He knew the depth of my love cuz he put it in me.  He knew the passion that I would possess in making a change becuase he created me. 

Yea, i get hurt at times, I get scared and I scream and run and shout, but at the end of the day, I give God praise for my life.  I thank him for putting this challenge before me becuase that tells me that he has faith in me to overcome (victoriously).

My book is being purchased all over the United States and If feel extremilly elevated because of this, but truth be told that is God.  He gave me the courage to write it, he gave me the time to write it, ( I had been jobless for a year), he sustained me during that year and nothing was lost,  My bills were paid, my lights were on, and we had food on the table.  GOD!  When God has a mission for you and your not sure of how to make it through, just keep on pressing forward.  If its truly of God you will find peace in everyday.  I did.

Currently I am trying to find  a way to get my book reproduced in spanish as I have a lot of people requesting it.  I a am also attempting to make it on a audio CD. 

I recognize Gods hand in all of this, and I take nothing for granted.  God has kept my marriage together for almost 2 years now, and I know that had he not plucked Leo out of his destruction when he did I would not have a husband, he would be dead.  So in all things I find peace and reason to praise God. 

No matter how bad things may seem, or how low you feel you are, PRAISE HIM.  PRAISE HIM, PRAISE HIM.   He has a plan, and though we dont understand or see it at that given moment, know that he makes no mistakes.  All all things work to the good who love the Lord.

God bless you all and remember, if your on a ride right now, its okay, God is right there with you!

Here is sit on the eve of the rest of my life.  What do I mean by that?  Tomorrow I leave for Ft. Stockton,  the small quaint little town where the prison sits in the middle of the desert.  A place where my husband is housed and surrounded by razor wire and prison guards who respect no one especially not the ones they are paid to guard.

No letter in two weeks.  The last spoken word from my husband was that he loved me and that he would never leave me, but this on the heels of a heated argument where words were thrown around like a football on Superbowl Sunday.  Carelessly and way too much.

The fight was over a dog.  A dog holds my marriage in its paws.  How rediculous is that?  Its an excuse. I know the real problem.  Let me explain my theory.

When out in the world my husband had total control in our relationship.  He said jump and I did. He said, do this and I did that. He said the sky was red and I would say what a lovely shade.  I never spoke back, I never argued and I never stood my ground. I let him run me over with his anger, with his betrayals and with his adultry.  I feared him!

Yet today, a year after his incarceration I find myself feeling liberated, stronger, wiser, smarter, sexier than ever before.  I have no one to put me down, to redicule my decisions and to make me look in the mirror and see ugly.  Now, when I look in the mirror I see something wonderfully, and carefully created by God. 

The problem is that Leo has come to find out that he can not control me anymore. Not like he did before. Dont misunderstand, I love my husband y and will never betray him, but the abuse ends now.  The last time he hit me was in fact the last time.  The last time he cheated was in fact the last time.  Because his chances have all run out.  He sat there Saturday telling me that I would never leave him, and as I listend to him boast about it I felt quite sorry for him.  He has no clue as to how far he has already pushed me with his words.  Words are like a sword. Life and death is in the power of the tounge.   My greatest fear used to be my failed marriage, but now my greatest fear is losing who I am today again.  I vow to never be that fragile woman. I dont have to be.  I am smart, I am funny and I am a good wife.  I dont need him to validate those attributes to me. I know these things already.

I love Leo with every breath in me. I have said that a thousand times, but I love me more.  I have finally learned that in a marriage I am no good to him if I dont love myself.  So,  Tomorrow when I drive the 240 miles to see him for 12 hours, I pray that he has heard Gods voice and has realized that if he loses me he has lost the greatest jewel that God could have ever blessed him with.

Bi polor or not, Leo will learn that he is responsible for all the bad in his life.  His downfalls and his failures lie on his shoulders, and he had the power at every turn in his life to choose the right path.  He chose the easy path, and we all know what is easy isnt always the best thing for us.

I sit here on today pondering what I could have done in this lifetime to deserve a husband with so little respect for marriage.  I cant come up with anything that I have done over my 41 years of life that could account for all of the pain I am going through at this point in time.  Although the word is that when Karma finds you, you get double for your trouble!

I love my husband more than life itself but it seems to be getting to the point of no return. Is it prsion that is putting these issues into place?  Or is is simply him being who he has always been but me not having seen that side of him before.  I dont mean the bi polar side. I've seen that too many times.   I am speaking of the blank expressions that cross his face when he makes me cry at visitation.  Im am speaking of his harsh words to me when i only get two hours a week with him. 

Today I sat bolding there lashing back at him with every harsh word that came out of his mouth.  I didnt cry until the end. I tried to be as tough as he was seeming to be.  I was being Mini Leo.  I was hard, cold, evil spoken, cold, calas, all the things he is, yet it faced him not.

When he said I was getting fat, I laughed and said whatever.  When he said that our marriage was over a long time ago, I laughed and said, one day Ill be married to a real husband.  To every phrase he brought  I had a rebuttle.  Did it make me feel better?  No, I stung, It stung to talk to him that way. It stung to remember the past as he sat there and spewed his venom yet again. 

I asked him if he loved me.  his reply, "I married you didnt I?"  Not quite the answer I wanted.  I told him that after the seminar next weekend if he still felt the same I would give him his freedom. 

im tired, im drained and there is nothing I can do to shake him into my reality. To realize that I am worth having, and that I do love him.  Oh, but that is the problem isnt it?  He knows I love him and he assumes that I will never leave him.  Assuming usually makes an ass out of one doesnt it?

R Kelly says, "When a womans fed up, there aint nothing you can do about it."  "If you ever get her back, it will never be the same." "shes a woman scorned!"  Lord knows im getting there.  My strength leaving me, my will walking away, my heart turning to stone, and my patience running thin.

I love Leo so much that it hurts right down to my soul.  No man has ever made me hurt so badly.  I've never let anyone in as close.  Now, I feel condemed to this cycle of pain.  Up one day, down the next.

He wont ever change.  He doesnt feel he is doing anything wrong.  His actions, his attitude, his temper, his betrayals,  how do I get past all that to find me again? 

I dont even know if its his bi polar anymore.  IT could just be who he is on the inside.  I dont even think he will feel the pain of me walking away if I ever do.  He'll just move on to the next woman.  How easily replaceable am I?  That is what truly hurts.  To my soul.  Because after all he has put me through, I dont want anyone else. Yet, I know the day will come when I will or he will walk away.  God, grant me strength to make it through.

Well, I did it. I sent him the draft for the book on Tuesday.  HE got it on Friday.  On Saturday when I went to go see him he told me that he had red the entire book in one night.

I asked him what he thought, and he said he HATED IT!  I knew he would.  I mean afterall it is about a horrible period in our time.  However, he does support me and still loves me.  That is a huge step for him.

He has been taking his medication and even says that it seems to be working, because he doesnt have the energy to be angry.  Which is good.  Because if he wernt on that medication our visit on Saturday would have been horrible. 

Its hard for anyone to read a book about themselves and have to relive those memories.  More than anything to see yourself through the window of someone elses eyes has got to be difficult.  Especially if it was bad.

That is why I love my husband so much, he is not a hypocrite.  He could have very easily not allowed the printing of this book, but he didnt.  He understands that the world will not see the ugly side of his bi polar, yet it doesnt destroy his character.   Who he is on the inside is such an inspiration to me. That is why I stay!!!!  Because I know who he is on the inside and I also know that the battle he is fighting within will be won by the good in him.  Through his efforts, and through our prayers.  He will be made whole.

God is so amazingly awesome isnt he?  I mean he sends us so many blessings and half the time we dont even realize it is of him.

Yes, Leo is in prison, but we have found peace in that, and we know that God has him there to prepare him for his future.  What I want to talk about is how God touched me this weekend and gave me a blessing that really was enormous.

I was blessed yet once again to go see Leo.  God has blessed me to be able to do that almost every weekend since he was incarcerated in April of 07.  As I visited him on Saturday another lady that I had met at the marriage seminar was there.  We agreed to go have dinner together and for me to stay over with her because she was able to see her husband on Sunday too.  We sat in that hotel room and just really opened the doors to our lives.  Turns out that the four of us, her husband, her, Leo and myself, live lives that are identical to one another.  Things I have told her of where Leo and I are now, she was amazed because she was there, I look at her and can see where we are going.  The similarities carry over into our grandchildrens names, our husbands habits, our age difference, and many many more.    It was a way for us to look into eachothers lives and see ourselves.  Now no body but God could have done that.  Could be that we each needed questions answered and God provided us for one another?  I believe that to be the case.

I reminded her of how far she has come.  I reminded her of the battles that her and her husband have won.  She showed me that me and Leo can make it.  Both of us are believes in Jesus and now we have a bond that is unbreakable.    Its funny where you meet people that will impact your life.  Dont ever assume that you meet anyone by chance.  NO,,, it is always orchastrated by God himself.  People come into your lives to teach you, to be taught by you, reason, season or lifetime!!!!!!

Many blessing to all of you wonderful spouses that are supporting a loved one in prison.  The road is tough but God knew you would make that travel and not break.

For those of you that dont know what a serve all is, that is when an inmate gets denied parole and is required to serve his entire sentance.  Well, that is what I heard yesterday when I called the parole board to hear what they have decided on my husbands case.

AS i hung up the phone I had to go outside and just think.  I prayed to God.  I told God that I knew he was in control and that he knew what was best better than me or Leo did.

I believe that God is saying to us that Leo isnt ready to come home.  He still has issues with his anger and he still is unsure of how to handle his rage.  So this is a protection from God for myself and for him.

Leo can not afford to come home and be the way he was before.  Prison at that point will be his permanent home.

Now what saddens me is that this comes on the heels of the perfect weekend together.  16 hours of hugging and kissing and talking.  Of sharing hurts, pains, joys.  We even slow danced to our own song ( we sang, and not so well i might add)

Leo opened up to me during our seminar.  I saw the real Leo, the one that wants so desperatly to be a good husband and father.  We laughed so much and then when it was time to go I had to be held up by one of the counslors as I walked out of the gym.

I question my actions daily.  Did i do the right thing when I called the police.  I destroyed my marriage and his life with that phone call.  The answer as hard as it is, is yes.  I did the right thing, because had Leo not been stoped someone whould be dead right now.  Either him or me.  Our family would have been completly destroyed and there would be no way to heal it.  Now we have a chance.  HE may not forgive me after this weekend when I tell him he isnt coming hom.  He may hate me forever, he may walk away from this marriage.  He may never speak to me again, but he is safe right now.  He has time to deal with his rage.

My husband is my best friend, my lover, and my soulmate.  There is no one else for me.  This I know.  Being without him is harder than anything I have ever done before in my life.  But I give this to God. God knows best and although his ways are not my ways, I know he knows what is best for both of us.

Please pray our strength in the Lord.  And please say a special prayer for Leo.  That God heal his mind, heart and soul.........