His World, My Hell

Here is sit on the eve of the rest of my life.  What do I mean by that?  Tomorrow I leave for Ft. Stockton,  the small quaint little town where the prison sits in the middle of the desert.  A place where my husband is housed and surrounded by razor wire and prison guards who respect no one especially not the ones they are paid to guard.

No letter in two weeks.  The last spoken word from my husband was that he loved me and that he would never leave me, but this on the heels of a heated argument where words were thrown around like a football on Superbowl Sunday.  Carelessly and way too much.

The fight was over a dog.  A dog holds my marriage in its paws.  How rediculous is that?  Its an excuse. I know the real problem.  Let me explain my theory.

When out in the world my husband had total control in our relationship.  He said jump and I did. He said, do this and I did that. He said the sky was red and I would say what a lovely shade.  I never spoke back, I never argued and I never stood my ground. I let him run me over with his anger, with his betrayals and with his adultry.  I feared him!

Yet today, a year after his incarceration I find myself feeling liberated, stronger, wiser, smarter, sexier than ever before.  I have no one to put me down, to redicule my decisions and to make me look in the mirror and see ugly.  Now, when I look in the mirror I see something wonderfully, and carefully created by God. 

The problem is that Leo has come to find out that he can not control me anymore. Not like he did before. Dont misunderstand, I love my husband y and will never betray him, but the abuse ends now.  The last time he hit me was in fact the last time.  The last time he cheated was in fact the last time.  Because his chances have all run out.  He sat there Saturday telling me that I would never leave him, and as I listend to him boast about it I felt quite sorry for him.  He has no clue as to how far he has already pushed me with his words.  Words are like a sword. Life and death is in the power of the tounge.   My greatest fear used to be my failed marriage, but now my greatest fear is losing who I am today again.  I vow to never be that fragile woman. I dont have to be.  I am smart, I am funny and I am a good wife.  I dont need him to validate those attributes to me. I know these things already.

I love Leo with every breath in me. I have said that a thousand times, but I love me more.  I have finally learned that in a marriage I am no good to him if I dont love myself.  So,  Tomorrow when I drive the 240 miles to see him for 12 hours, I pray that he has heard Gods voice and has realized that if he loses me he has lost the greatest jewel that God could have ever blessed him with.

Bi polor or not, Leo will learn that he is responsible for all the bad in his life.  His downfalls and his failures lie on his shoulders, and he had the power at every turn in his life to choose the right path.  He chose the easy path, and we all know what is easy isnt always the best thing for us.