His World, My Hell

I sit here on today pondering what I could have done in this lifetime to deserve a husband with so little respect for marriage.  I cant come up with anything that I have done over my 41 years of life that could account for all of the pain I am going through at this point in time.  Although the word is that when Karma finds you, you get double for your trouble!

I love my husband more than life itself but it seems to be getting to the point of no return. Is it prsion that is putting these issues into place?  Or is is simply him being who he has always been but me not having seen that side of him before.  I dont mean the bi polar side. I've seen that too many times.   I am speaking of the blank expressions that cross his face when he makes me cry at visitation.  Im am speaking of his harsh words to me when i only get two hours a week with him. 

Today I sat bolding there lashing back at him with every harsh word that came out of his mouth.  I didnt cry until the end. I tried to be as tough as he was seeming to be.  I was being Mini Leo.  I was hard, cold, evil spoken, cold, calas, all the things he is, yet it faced him not.

When he said I was getting fat, I laughed and said whatever.  When he said that our marriage was over a long time ago, I laughed and said, one day Ill be married to a real husband.  To every phrase he brought  I had a rebuttle.  Did it make me feel better?  No, I stung, It stung to talk to him that way. It stung to remember the past as he sat there and spewed his venom yet again. 

I asked him if he loved me.  his reply, "I married you didnt I?"  Not quite the answer I wanted.  I told him that after the seminar next weekend if he still felt the same I would give him his freedom. 

im tired, im drained and there is nothing I can do to shake him into my reality. To realize that I am worth having, and that I do love him.  Oh, but that is the problem isnt it?  He knows I love him and he assumes that I will never leave him.  Assuming usually makes an ass out of one doesnt it?

R Kelly says, "When a womans fed up, there aint nothing you can do about it."  "If you ever get her back, it will never be the same." "shes a woman scorned!"  Lord knows im getting there.  My strength leaving me, my will walking away, my heart turning to stone, and my patience running thin.

I love Leo so much that it hurts right down to my soul.  No man has ever made me hurt so badly.  I've never let anyone in as close.  Now, I feel condemed to this cycle of pain.  Up one day, down the next.

He wont ever change.  He doesnt feel he is doing anything wrong.  His actions, his attitude, his temper, his betrayals,  how do I get past all that to find me again? 

I dont even know if its his bi polar anymore.  IT could just be who he is on the inside.  I dont even think he will feel the pain of me walking away if I ever do.  He'll just move on to the next woman.  How easily replaceable am I?  That is what truly hurts.  To my soul.  Because after all he has put me through, I dont want anyone else. Yet, I know the day will come when I will or he will walk away.  God, grant me strength to make it through.