His World, My Hell

For those of you that dont know what a serve all is, that is when an inmate gets denied parole and is required to serve his entire sentance.  Well, that is what I heard yesterday when I called the parole board to hear what they have decided on my husbands case.

AS i hung up the phone I had to go outside and just think.  I prayed to God.  I told God that I knew he was in control and that he knew what was best better than me or Leo did.

I believe that God is saying to us that Leo isnt ready to come home.  He still has issues with his anger and he still is unsure of how to handle his rage.  So this is a protection from God for myself and for him.

Leo can not afford to come home and be the way he was before.  Prison at that point will be his permanent home.

Now what saddens me is that this comes on the heels of the perfect weekend together.  16 hours of hugging and kissing and talking.  Of sharing hurts, pains, joys.  We even slow danced to our own song ( we sang, and not so well i might add)

Leo opened up to me during our seminar.  I saw the real Leo, the one that wants so desperatly to be a good husband and father.  We laughed so much and then when it was time to go I had to be held up by one of the counslors as I walked out of the gym.

I question my actions daily.  Did i do the right thing when I called the police.  I destroyed my marriage and his life with that phone call.  The answer as hard as it is, is yes.  I did the right thing, because had Leo not been stoped someone whould be dead right now.  Either him or me.  Our family would have been completly destroyed and there would be no way to heal it.  Now we have a chance.  HE may not forgive me after this weekend when I tell him he isnt coming hom.  He may hate me forever, he may walk away from this marriage.  He may never speak to me again, but he is safe right now.  He has time to deal with his rage.

My husband is my best friend, my lover, and my soulmate.  There is no one else for me.  This I know.  Being without him is harder than anything I have ever done before in my life.  But I give this to God. God knows best and although his ways are not my ways, I know he knows what is best for both of us.

Please pray our strength in the Lord.  And please say a special prayer for Leo.  That God heal his mind, heart and soul.........